Penumbra: Overture - 5

"Arachnophobia, the condition in whic-OHGODSPIDERS"

Above you is a hole, beneath your feet is a broken ladder. Utilizing life skills, you put two and two together to make 4, and ALSO conclude that you need to use the ladder to get up that hole! After quick observation, however, you realize you are not exactly NBA material in the fact that you are nothing but a short, weak man. As you come to this sad fact, you compensate by making a box-tower and climb up said Tower of Boxel(Babel) with a piece of the ladder which you hook up onto the weird hook things.

You are sure they have a name, but for now they are considered weird hook things. You are sure no one will mind. Jumping up onto the ladder and climbing into the hole, you call out to the traffic cone one last time and wish him and his wife all the best as you progress further into the crevices of the mine.

Crawling inward, you find yourself greeted by a rumbly of the collapsing kind. Looking back you realize you are now trapped due to rocks and their inherent nature to piss you off. With no way but forward, you head on. Oh what's this? Dirty basketballs in some muddy mixture over here? Let's go check that out real fast.

OHP SPIDERS DEAD.

Penumbra: Overture - 4

"People who name themselves after colors are weird. Remember that."

This stupid machine thinks it can defy you and not work?! Well, it can; because you're stupid and realize that turning random valves and flipping the important looking lever does shit for you.

After bashing your head against a brick wall for enlightenment, it came to you: Using your brain can solve problems! Holy shit you're a genius! You get your geek on and pull the lever once more.

Good job, jackass, you broke the fusebox. Luckily for you you picked up a spare. Parting ways with your once awesome friend Mr. Fuzzy the Fuse, you fix that shit like Dr. Phil fixes lives. Once you figure out that you're smarter than the average bear, you get things working. FINALLY. I am so proud.

High-tailing it out of there, you find that the power is now on throughout the mine. One step closer to that underground nightclub you always wanted, eh chief? Heading back over towards the radio you realize that the techno music blaring from the speakers is actually that morse code crap you learned about in history class.

Penumbra: Overture - 3

"Power. Who knew it was so damn complicated?"

After kicking the fucking shit out of the plank of wood that wished to stop you from your ventures, you move continue your barrel rolling escapade only to be stopped dead in your tracks by the one and only: pile of random shit.

Fear not! For your weeks of watching over-sized, underpaid, and ill-respected mall security cops chasing after skateboard punks have taught you one thing: how to make a ramp out of pretty much anything. Thanks, angsty adolescent teenagers who wish to rebel against society!

Putting this knowledge to good use, you make a ramp and roll that shit over and head on over to the electrical fence. You spit on the fence and watch it spark, causing you to giggle like a child easily amused. Once you are finished, you place that keg of orange juice (the apple juice kegs are in the other room, remember?) and hop over the fence to the other side.

Score one for dominant human intellect, bitches!

Penumbra: Overture - 2

The tongue was delicious. The savory tastes and flavors that held onto the muscle coated your own with a delectable passion you simply could not describe.

At least that's what would have happened if you were FUCKING INSANE. Luckily, you are not. Ignoring said lick-tool, you check out the table next to you and finally see the foretold spider of the tales you had so previously skimmed over. You nod in agreement with the author of said scriptures, classifying the spider as delicious and not blaming him for falling into temptation of dining on said arachnid.

After appreciating the wonderful sight of death and pungent odor, you decide to head back out to the mine and check out the rest of the joint.

Oh boy something howled! Surely it must be the search party which has been looking for you for the sum of the twenty minutes you've been in this mine and you rush out to greet him with open arms. PSYCHE! It's just a demon dog which wants to chew your anus ring like the jerky you had previously found in a drawer.

Once you are done hiding like a woman (read: coward) (read read: women are not cowards, cowardly women are), you head over towards the office. Resisting the urge to make an Office Space joke referring to staplers, you head on in and get your learnage on. This takes a while, you even grow some chin hair as you flick through the pages that for some STUPID reason have no pictures.

Penumbra: Overture - 1

Penumbra: Overture is a game made by 5 dudes in Sweden who go by the name Frictional Games.

You take the role of a man named Phillip who, although appears smart at first, is a complete delinquent. You receive a letter from your long-gone father, who obviously ran off with another woman after he found out your mother was pregnant, that insists you dispose of the contents in a box.

You know, instead of just not sending the letter to your son at all and just letting the contents of the box sit there for some poor sod to find and toss away like trash, you send your ol' boy a letter to tell him to get rid of the papers. It's like telling a kid to NOT hang out with the creepy 31 year-old neighbor with the water-slide in his backyard but has no kids of his own.

Oh, your dad is dead too.

Instead of writing your father back demanding child-support your mother rightfully deserved whilst she raised you as a single-parent, you go check out said box and find an indecipherable book and some notes leading you to the middle of nowhere in Greenland.

Obviously, it's adventure time! You book a plane and head off to buttfuck nowhere, take a boat, and realize you're probably the sort to get sea-sick. 

After throwing up breakfast, you find yourself in the cabin and do your best to mess the hell out of the place by smashing booze and taking things that don't belong to you. Because you're a THIEF. Once you bust into the locker and take the captain's rave utensil, flashlight, and other assorted love-letters from his wife who probably cheats on him, you head off to Santa's workshop.

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth - Final(?)

"In virtual life, there are but two true horrors: power surges and bad programming."

After running into ghost girl Ramona, she runs off and leaves you in the dust. You check your pocket to make sure she didn't make off with the twenty bucks her father gave you. To your relief, she only took a five.

Carrying on, you venture further into the rose-petal scented sewers beneath the wonderful haven of Innsmouth and come upon a man devoid of a face and leaking eyeholes; obviously, you conclude with your detective instincts, this man had been the inspirational source for Lady Gaga's latest outfit to express her individuality and non-totally-fucking-insane-personality.

Once you finish looking the man's pockets of his Rolex, pack of chewing gum and a broken pencil, you head further down the dank hallways until you are met with an unearthly sight for your already scorned eyes: amotherfuckingpuzzle.

Climbing atop the pool of water you look down and realize that getting in slimey, uncleanly water was just not your style. At this prospect, you kill around half and hour bashing your fucking head against rusted pipes until you finally open up Game FAQs and realize you're an absolute idiot and need to clean the pool THEN drain it; ignore the sense of low self-confidence and subconscious wishes of courage enough to commit suicide and carry on.

Once the pool is drained you carry onward through the pipe and are met with a reject character that was to be casted in The Weather Girls' music video for It's Raining Men. One acid trip later, said reject is eaten by a giant squid. NEAT.

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth - 3

Before bed, like any simple-minded person did, you wrote a log in your diary so you can remember this wonderful day; you never know when you'll get that there amnesia again you know!

After having an awesome dream about space aliens that may or may not want to probe your supple behind, you are awoken by the banging of your door. My, who could THAT be?!

Soon realizing that it's not the lady next-door who wants to tuck you in proper-like, you begin getting the fuck out of there and jump out of the window. This is, of course, after you absolutely fail horribly and redo this part 20 times because the player is awful and can't do simple parkour stuff you saw on youtube in 2005.

After breaking through the place, running through an old lady's room who may or may not have been having a heated moment with herself and Rosey Palm, you jump out ANOTHER window and make up on onto a roof of a place filled with boxes that conveniently work in your favor to guide you through to safety. Fate smiles upon you finally, as you make it down the air vent and reach the anti-christ symbol on the vent.

Then you get smacked upside the head and are confronted with further hooligans who smell of rotted cabbage that wish to keep you from your determined goal of (G)TFO. After having another possibly drug-induced freak out, your mediocre psychic abilities tell you there is a convenient hole in the ground that is not guarded by the wandering pigmen.