Innsmouth is full of colorful people and good times, if you're into that sort of thing.
As you step foot in the town you notice one thing and one thing only: This place stunk to high heaven.
No joke, you swear you smell a hint of horseradish and dogshit on a constant 24/7 basis; but that's okay, because in 1922 personal hygiene was nothing but a fad that would pass just like the automobile. Seriously, it's just a fad everybody.
After an awkward gaze exchange between the Bus Driver Guy, you head into the hotel of Innsmouth and try not to say the Inn of Innsmouth because someone else already copyrighted it and would sue your ass SO HARD; here you meet Gilman, the cool guy of the town.
Seriously, this guy has more style than Bus Driver Guy's bus had fleas. After getting wicked jealous and accepting your second-place role in life, you move on with your case and go mingle with the townsfolk. Everyone is pretty well and decent, aside from the fact they are all total dicks and refuse to talk to you. But that's okay, because prejudice during the 20's was perfectly normal and nothing a few cigs wouldn't remedy.
Heading down a dark alley you come upon the single-most amazing person you will ever fucking meet. No one is as incredible as this man, except Gilman in terms of looks, and that is: Zadok Allen. You exchange kind greetings and find his lack of decency to be most charming and unique, and even a tad daring (the scamp!).
After being quested with the task of providing him further booze, you head out to the streets once again and find the mademoiselle Ruth Billingham working the street corner. After failing to convince her to give you a discount, you are told to GTFO of town by tonight (obviously to avoid stealing her business).
Then you get FUCKING LOST for 20 minutes.
After pulling the stupid stick out of your behind you realize you forgot entirely that you're here on a job, not to talk to prostitutes and silly drunk men. At this conclusion, you pull on your Solid Snake cosplay outfit and sneak into the General Store your client's buddy used to work at. Booze are foun and your willpower kicks in top gear as you somehow DON'T drink it all in your fit of weakened alcoholic state. Oh, you also can't climb ladders because your hand-eye coordination is shit.
So, after falling through a cellar door you bust through a wall like The Hulk and find ammo for a gun you don't have, probably to chew on the bullets because they taste salty and delicious. Then you find a hanging lady and CRASH HARD.
After waking up from your crash, you find the lady again then continue on to find some random dude who you don't even fucking know but have a totally chill conversation with. You forget about him within 10 seconds with your goldfish-like brain and continue on. Zadok gets his booze and you get a key to a poor people's house. LUCKY YOU! Time to frolic about with more stinky people poorer than you are ugly, which is pretty ugly.
Oh, there's also some kind of monster thing following you on the rooftops. No biggy.
After you get to the poor house you ignore the lady with nasal congestion issues and look at old people dead covered in maggots, because that's awesome. Leaving the poor house through the back you find this old bag who has a posture that is rivaled only by Hunchback of Notre Dame who taunts you by walking backwards. This taboo leaves a great scar within you, and you write down in your mental journal to fuck her shit later.
You suddenly realize the power of knocking on a door and do just that. Ramona Flowers's little kid form answers the door and, after awkwardly talking to her, you check out her place while she colors pictures of insurmountable horror with crayons; she's a sweetheart with a mommy who bites.
Knowing this, you go upstairs and open locked doors, because after being in a jail-like situation for so long you have a certain phobia for locked doors and let mommykins out to WTFROCK her daughter. Good job, dick. You just got a little girl killed. Sure it burst through the door and you only opened up the small panel to look into the room, but you're going to take the heat for this one, guy.
After waking up from your awesome nap you talk to your client who is totally just hanging out with his dead daughter and not crying over her mauled body, and gives you a key to his store and tells you to get his book from upstairs which you already took because you're a FUCKING THIEF.
Then the cops bust in and yoink him off to jail. You don't have any idea how they already knew the girl was dead and that he did it, but all you know is he took the heat and you will live with guilt for the rest of your days. Good job, man. You got off scott-free!
After talking to the prostitute once more who you don't care about anymore aside from her body, you head to the guy's store and come across a hot dame. Actually she's mildly okay, but your standards are low so anything will do at this point. After interrogating her on her reasons for being there, she tells you some shit and you really don't know why and for some reason you offer your services.
No seriously you have no fucking idea why, you just do it. It's how you roll.
Then you spend 30+ minutes wondering what the balls the combination to the safe is whilst not even bothering to glance at the book your client told you to get. After you finally put your Hooked on Phonics skills to the test, you realize the combination was the birthday of his now dead daughter. What an original guy!
Within the safe you find the Book of Dagon, which is apparently something the Dagon guys don't want you having because it holds indecent pictures of the head priests within its pages. Once you're done being disgusted by this, you head outside and realize you're tired. You've worked hard today and deserve a good rest!
Heading into the hotel you overhear the Bus Driver Guy and Brad Pitt impersonator talking about not letting you leave the town. Well shucks, that's no good! So you go in and play "I know nothing lol!" and ask for a room. Then, mister awesome cop comes in and takes Gilman for a moment to talk about their latest poker game, you have an acid trip and realize the key to the backroom is behind the front desk. Using this newfound knowledge you investigate and find an awesome book filled with awesome words about killing people and making bones not be in someone's body. It's seriously good literature.
Then you get to your room and go sleepy time because, well, there's no late-night Comedy Central shows in the 1920's.
This article covers parts three to six
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