Monday, November 15, 2010

Penumbra: Overture - 1


Penumbra: Overture is a game made by 5 dudes in Sweden who go by the name Frictional Games.

You take the role of a man named Phillip who, although appears smart at first, is a complete delinquent. You receive a letter from your long-gone father, who obviously ran off with another woman after he found out your mother was pregnant, that insists you dispose of the contents in a box.

You know, instead of just not sending the letter to your son at all and just letting the contents of the box sit there for some poor sod to find and toss away like trash, you send your ol' boy a letter to tell him to get rid of the papers. It's like telling a kid to NOT hang out with the creepy 31 year-old neighbor with the water-slide in his backyard but has no kids of his own.

Oh, your dad is dead too.

Instead of writing your father back demanding child-support your mother rightfully deserved whilst she raised you as a single-parent, you go check out said box and find an indecipherable book and some notes leading you to the middle of nowhere in Greenland.

Obviously, it's adventure time! You book a plane and head off to buttfuck nowhere, take a boat, and realize you're probably the sort to get sea-sick. 

After throwing up breakfast, you find yourself in the cabin and do your best to mess the hell out of the place by smashing booze and taking things that don't belong to you. Because you're a THIEF. Once you bust into the locker and take the captain's rave utensil, flashlight, and other assorted love-letters from his wife who probably cheats on him, you head off to Santa's workshop.


Hah! I'm just kidding. You're in a blizzard and it's making your testicles shrivel up faster than the glimpse of an old lady making passionate love to her vacuum cleaner. Once you rid yourself of the urge to have a snowball fight with yourself, and completely ignore the thought of going back to the boat where it's warm and loaded with booze, you tread forward in the torrent of snow.

Soon enough, you come across a hatch that is lodged shut due to ice. BREAK THAT SHIT WITH A ROCK. After you come down from your high mountain of manliness, you open that shit and hop down, throwing caution to the wind because you're a god damn pro. 

Well shit, it's dark. Rave time! With the help of your trusty glow stick, because flashlights are for bitches, you realize you are now in a mine. Time to go find those Chilean miners!

Finding your sense of humor in bad taste, you head forward and find out the door is locked. Well breaking the ice off a hatch is manly, but breaking down a door is not, you decide to be a baby and look elsewhere. Checking out the other room you find a hammer. You immediately begin putting on a Tim Allen impersonation and get to work checking out the rest of the place.

Behind the bookcase that you throw off to the other side of the room because bookcases are for books, and books are for nerds (which you aren't), you find a hole in the wall covered by boards which you break down with your manly hammer and hope to god it's not like The Enigma of the Amigara Fault (google that shit) as you climb through, only to find a sealed cellar door on the floor.

WOAH SHIT SOMETHING BOOMED!

Not to be deterred and try to GTFO, you put together all your resources, find some flares, a stick, and penetrate a box's hole with your mighty rod and open that door with mounting courageous emotions building within you.

Hopping down the hole, you find yourself in a bigger mine. Awesome. With your trusty glow stick in hand, you venture on into the darkness of the mine and completely ignore the sense of something being with you in the darkness. Because you're a man.

Knowing that real men are right handed, you take the right pathway and find yourself at the workshop. Or maybe it's the storage room. You don't really know because you didn't read the signs, because signs are stupid. Within the place that you went to, whatever, you find an empty zippo lighter.

Fuck. Yes.

Knowing you now have one out of two things you need to get lung cancer, you look at the math on the wall and laugh at how bad the person could draw. Seriously, you could so do better. Once you finish drawing mustaches on everything drawn on the wall, and then making a joke to yourself about stupid cavepeople, you check out the other room and find a box of stones.

Stones are no match for you! You move that shit across the room to prove to yourself no one can touch you and your built physique. Hopping down the hole in the floor, because gravity can suck it, you crawl through more holes in the wall. Spiders.

Catching your breath and realizing arachnophobia is still a manly thing to have, you continue to crawl through and find paper with words written on them. You skim this shit because reading is, again, for nerds. You get the idea that some dude was holding up in here waiting for rescue. Ah shit, Chilean miners.

Oh sick, this dude ate spiders. Fast forward another vomiting session, you find steam coming from pipes. Sitting there to take a steam bath was the best idea you had until you actually did it and got fucking hurt from scalding evaporated water. Further into the hole you find a room with a locked gate.

HAH! Locked gates are no match for your Hulk Hogan impersonation, as you smash that shit down with your mighty hammer and find lighter fluid. How convenient! Oh, you turn off the steam and get a ladder to get out of the hole too, but that's not important.

As you are about to put the ladder back up to where you came from, you hear shit go down, some dude scream, and probably get killed. After chuckling to yourself how dumb that guy is, head on up and find blood smeared all over the floor and a door that used to be locked, unlocked. Further convenience. This is so your day.

In the room that's floor is painted in fresh warm stinky blood, you find a paper that mentions that weird dude totally had to cut off a non-vital organ because his spider eating habits were getting out of hand. You immediately conclude the man just had to cut off his hair because he was turning into a hippy.

Then you check out the closet of said room and find a MOTHERFUCKINGTONGUEOHGOD.

This articles covers parts one and two:

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