"People who name themselves after colors are weird. Remember that."
This stupid machine thinks it can defy you and not work?! Well, it can; because you're stupid and realize that turning random valves and flipping the important looking lever does shit for you.
After bashing your head against a brick wall for enlightenment, it came to you: Using your brain can solve problems! Holy shit you're a genius! You get your geek on and pull the lever once more.
Good job, jackass, you broke the fusebox. Luckily for you you picked up a spare. Parting ways with your once awesome friend Mr. Fuzzy the Fuse, you fix that shit like Dr. Phil fixes lives. Once you figure out that you're smarter than the average bear, you get things working. FINALLY. I am so proud.
High-tailing it out of there, you find that the power is now on throughout the mine. One step closer to that underground nightclub you always wanted, eh chief? Heading back over towards the radio you realize that the techno music blaring from the speakers is actually that morse code crap you learned about in history class.
Once you finish putting on your glasses to look the part, you translate the code into the numbers: 5738. Wait. You just realized something. This is the same number sequence you used to open that locked door way back when, but backwards. Praising the probably dead lock number programmers, you nod thoughtfully and head towards the locked gate only to find that MOTHERFUCKINGDOG just hanging out.
Suddenly, your radio starts to go off. Awesome. Well, it would be if the person on the other end wasn't fucking INSANE. Though the cheery tone he carries with his pronunciations instantly grant him badass status in your book and you open that gate up like a boss. Slapping yourself for trying to be funny by saying 'like a boss', you hide like a coward as the dog passes by.
Seriously, you could probably punch that mutt in the face and show him who's boss, but the traumatic event of being bitten by a dalmatian when you were in third grade and getting six stitches on your leg from it has deep embedded emotional scars within you and you decide against it.
Once the dog has finished walking by, you come across another section of the mine and the badass guy on the mic speaks up again. He talks about some juice-thirsty metal monster, which immediately makes you start craving that Tang fruit punch stuff from the '90s. Yes, yes you know it is still around but no one drinks it anymore so shutup.
He also mentions his name is Red, which makes him slightly less awesome because the Red Ranger was a bitch and highly overrated. Everyone knows Black is edgy, hardcore, and break dances. Racists. Proceeding to do cartwheels down the mineshaft like the Rangers always did when they had to walk two steps forward, you come across more of Wallace's siblings. You wonder where the mother of these dogs are so you can kick it in the face, but sadly you have no idea.
Heading into the tool shed, you find a friggin' saw. AWESOME. Oh, and some paper. Whatever. The paper talks of stuff, things you'd have to think about to truly understand with your inferior mind, so you imagine it spoke of marshmallow dinosaurs. A new nemesis per chance? You bet your ass it is.
Leaving the shed and heading back out, you find even MORE dogs. Seriously! I'm not kidding you! That mom must have like twenty nipples! Red comes on the radio again and cracks jokes because he's a funny, imperfect guy. He really knows how to steal the show and you applaud him for that, but promptly tell him to STFU as you are the main character in this series, not him.
He tells you to go through some hole, so you figure hey, why not? So you head into the cave-like area with a broken ladder, hole in the ceiling, and traffic cones. The perfect home for a newly-wed couple with money troubles! On a box you find some more papers, which sucks but hey, it happens. Sorry.
On the papers they speak of tests anBORING. Your parents paid off your teachers so you didn't have to deal with tests, and you aren't going to deal with them now, you ungrateful twat.
You turn around and face your life-long adversary who has come to trouble your life once more: Gravity.
This article covers parts seven and eight.
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